**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
