He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
