I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
