i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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