Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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