I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
