I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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