Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
