please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
