ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
