Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I need moral support for this bender
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
