I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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