i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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