I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
