I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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