On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
