oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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