tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
