my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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