We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
