You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
