guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
