I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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