Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
