Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
