Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
