I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
