im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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