Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
