i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
