all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
