My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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