I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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