Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
