The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
