somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
