Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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