She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
