I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
