Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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