All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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