I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
