my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
