You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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