just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
