btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
