peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
farters have to be the big spoon...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
