I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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