i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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