goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
